Margot Tenenbaum as inspiration

I am inspired by her...her style, not the whole falling in love with your brother part.

Chanel Iman is F.I.E.R.C.E.

She is an amazing, fierce, gorgeous woman. And I can't believe I actually saw her often when she walked down the halls of Fairfax High, and people would always point out, "You see that super tall girl over there? I heard she's a model" And I'd be like, "Eh, how big of a model could she be? Maybe for Claire's at the local mall?" But look at her now, world. She made it big. And she's sooo pretty! Half Korean, half black, full on fab~ Oh Chanel, go on and take over the world.

Revelatory Revolutionary Road

This weekend I saw Revolutionary Road with Silvia because we were both pining for our boyfriends whom we haven't seen in over two weeks now, and for some reason we felt that watching a failed romance would get us into spirits again, or at least make us miss our boyfriends a little less. We also tried to watch Intolerable Cruelty by the Cohen Bros. so we'd have a little balance of moods, but unfortunately the disc didn't work.
Revolutionary Road received a 69% on Rotten Tomatoes. One critic said "It plays like Douglas Sirk without the irony". That's never a good thing to say about, anything. I had also heard mixed reviews from friends. I didn't go into it with any particular expectations. However, I am pleased to say I was pleasantly surprised by the film overall. The acting was stellar on both Kate and Leo's parts. Kate's role reminded me of her role in "Little Children": the suburban mom/ wife who was meant for more, stuck in her pretty little house and well mowed lawn. Watching Revolutionary Road was like watching my parents fight. Sometimes I sympathized with April while hating Frank, and other times I felt bad for Frank, while criticizing April of being too irrational and idealistic. But this is not a review of the film's aesthetics or the actors' performances. The film very blatantly showed us their message and so many people have already gone into that anyway. What I found interesting about the movie was what it made me think about.
This movie portrayed a very real fear of mine. A fear which is beginning to grow bigger as I get older. Although the story was supposed to portray the social issues of conformity, materialism, and the pursuit of self identity beyond the confines of marriage that permeated American life during the 50's, these things have been very close to my heart recently. All those issues are exactly my fears. Becoming a housewife after having to put my dreams on hiatus to have kids, watch them grow into healthy, happy human beings, please my husband, keep the house pretty, entertain neighbors, only to realize that I myself am only getting older and unhappier. Or even worse, that I am not doing anything important with my life. I'm not making the most of that Berkeley education, or that resume I spent all my energy building. I mean, I know this isn't the fifties and its much more common to see women creating successful careers and names for themselves even while juggling a family life. But then we see their family lives are not so stellar, and they get shunned for not having their priorities straight as a mother and wife. I look at my own mother and still see her constantly struggling to balance both on a fully loaded plate. This movie made me think about my future, and the road Im headed on. Am I going to end up on Revolutionary Road, endlessly bickering with a man I once loved so passionately and found so intriguing but now loathe? Will I find all my hopes and aspirations sucked away by the very life I pursue? The film also addressed another issue I've been mulling over in my head recently, should I go for a life of ensured comfort and stability or do I just keep on fighting for what I really want to do, despite the lack of any such guarantees? The movie made it pretty clear that one should follow their heart and never give up searching for that ultimate form of meaning in life.
But I am torn because I disagreed with the characters motives and their views of life and purpose. I saw April searching for meaning and a greater depth to her "mundane" suburban life. She felt that she was special and was always meant for more than what everyone else was doing. (As she kept reminding us through dramatic monologues throughout the film). She wanted to be an actor but failed because she wasn't good, at least thats what I got from what little the film revealed of her past. For some reason both she and Frank reached a point where they had to stop searching and live a "normal" American life. This is where I don't get it. Why did they stop searching for meaning just because they had the PRIVILEGE of buying an enormouse house and living among good people? Why did they have to give up "truth" in order to live the lifestyle they had? Was there really something wrong with the lifestyle, or was it just something wrong with them? What was to stop them from leading equally miserable lives in Paris, or anywhere else for that matter? I think the problem with the American Dream, is that people literally put their ALL into its pursuit. In fact, I wont even use the term "they" because I am guilty of this too. I go to college, hoping to graduate with a new perspective of the world and because I heard its the next logical step to getting the career that I want. I know I want a career and to establish a name for myself somehow, but I have to make sure I dont forget about getting married to the man of my dreams (but he also has to be on the fast track to the American Dream with me of course), buying a house, and having a family- all in that order. This is what Im headed towards. I dont see anything wrong with this, or else I would have stopped and turned 180 degrees away from it. This is what Frank and April did. Theres nothing wrong with it. I think where they went wrong was that this was all they lived for. This became their identity, it defined them. In the pursuit of these dreams, we have to make sure we don't neglect the other things that give our life meaning, like friends, family, community, our loved ones. These are the things that give me meaning and are always there to remind me of why I do what I do. Jobs are jobs, careers are careers. In the end, if I were to die today, without having achieved all these things in my life, I shouldn't feel like I missed out on anything because I had all these cherished relationships, friends who are like sisters, my family, and I those little everyday moments that make life so meaningful in itself. Self Identity is not made by yourself, but its a collective of experiences that you go through in life, with other people. If anyones seen the movie "UP", you'd understand that movie hilighted the missing elements in the story of Revolutionary Road. Carl and Ellie were similar to Frank and April, a young happy couple so in love with each other and both with extraordinary dreams. However, we find out that in the end it wasn't the big adventure that mattered, but the many little moments Carl and Ellie shared together, just appreciating and loving each other in all their normal and mundane patterns. I think this is what Frank and April was missing. Sure, they were friends with their neighbors. But it felt so artificial, and they werent really there for each other through the hard times. Their neighbors probably had no idea how miserable Frank and April really were under the exterior. So many people live life this way. We feel that its ok to put everything else on hiatus in order to get what we think we want, when in reality we'll miss out on everything important and amount to nothing in the end. They had everything most people could ask for. They got caught up in themselves, they were selfish and kept their eyes on some unattainable prize, which neither was sure even existed. They were so caught up in the rat race that they even forgot each other, and that beauty they once found in each other. In the end, no matter how hard we chase after our own sense of meaning and superior identity in life, its the little moments and relationships that we remember in the end. This movie reminded me so badly of how I'd neglected these aspects of what I once cherished, but it also helped me realize that my fears are unecessary.

What have you learned?

Last night my mom recounted to me about how time had flown so quickly and that after I come back from Korea, I would only have three more semesters until I graduated from college. CRAP.
It's not like I didn't know this. I knew this. It stands WAAAY back in the back of my head, behind the door entitled "After Graduation" or "Your Life as a responsible, self accountable Adult Starts Here". I had yet to venture back there. I mean, the last time I heard about those doors was, freshman year, where they seemed so far away and not worth worrying myself over. Now sophomore year of college at Berkeley is over, and I am halfway there (assuming I finish everything required of my double major within the traditionally alloted space). And then, my mom asked me the dreaded question,"what have you learned ?" Why is this a dreaded question? I dont know about everyone else in college, but I have always dreaded this question, which people, adults in particular, have always been asking me since the first day of...Preschool!
What did you learn in preschool today?
I learned colors, and how to wash my hands properly after using the potty!
What did you learn in Kindergarten?
I learned how to count to 100 and my failure to do that after my tenth try taught me that Iwill forever suck at math!
What did you learn in 6th grade?
I learned that I dont like science either cuz Bill Nye bores me to hell! But I love Harry Potter!
What did you learn in 12th grade?
I learned that I need to work hard from now on, I'm going to Berkeley.
Now people ask me what I've learned in my second year of college, and I've never been sure how to answer for some reason.What has two years, four semesters, however many days/months at one of the most prestigious universities in the country, taught me? It always takes me a while to think up some bull shit, heart rendering answer just to impress said questioning adult. But now that I think about it, I am not the same person I came here as. Not even close. What did I learn?

I've learned that most of what you learn in college is not from the classroom. Maybe it's just me. But I don't think I've retained too much of what I learned in any of my classes. I feel like Ive lived semester to semester, class to class, just trying to do well in that class at the moment, get the grade, and put it on my transcript. I mean, dont get me wrong, I appreciated and took interest in the class while taking it. But after you scramble to study for that last final, and then get it over with, who cares about that class?

I've learned how to procrastinate like never before. If I thought I procrastinated in high school, college is a whole nother level. Welcome to the major leagues little one.

I've learned to take my first bottle of absinthe, believe it or not ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I never really drank in high school. Or used any other substance. In college, I've tried everything illegal that I've always wanted to try but never had the guts, or access, to in high school. I know, Im not much of a thrill seeker.

I've learned that college isnt as tough and mighty as they make it out to be. For some reason, I've always had the image of big scary college owning me after high school drilled into my head by others. I was really scared. Especially coming from a high school that didnt really specialize on, oh I dont know, academia. I went to a visual arts magnet high school, we made sculptures in math class and collages in English! I literally thought I wouldn't make it past freshman year and would have to drop out. Now I know, getting and A or B plus at Berkeley is definitely doable. (Hopefully I dont jinx myself out of making it to senior year and graduating)

I've learned what its like to live life as a single child, with no parent supervision. Perhaps this has been the best part of coming to college. No, yes, it has. I love the freedom. This is the first time I was able to see what I'm really like, who I really am, without my siblings or parents or any other family members influencing me at the moment. Of course I still think about them in the long run, but when Im at Berkeley, I am just me in my stark nakedness. (Sorry for that imagery).

I've learned that I am highly malleable. I adapt very well and easily to my surroundings. First semester of freshman year was definitely hard, but I think thats about all it took to break me into this new life. Ever since, I have loved it here. I never thought I would completely fit into Berkeley. I thought I would be a better fit at UCLA because I had grown up in LA all my life, and as such I was an "LA girl". Now, I would be proud to call myself a, "Bay girl"? Lol...

I've learned that friends come and go. Not just because I've lost touch with a bunch of my high school friends, but also in college, you find yourself getting close to certain people one semester, and then you move onto different people the next semester. Whether it be because you physically moved to a different place, or because you moved on from that station in life, which also happens just as frequently as moving from place to place. People change quickly.

I've learned of heartbreak, and how badly it stings. And with that, some relationships can never be fully restored with a simple apology or even time's "healing hands".

I've learned to live a life away from my parents. This might sound similar to living life as a single child and independence or what not, but it's kind of different. This one means that I've learned to have things that I don't tell them. Big things. I could argue that this might have taken root starting my senior year of high school when I tried to hide my first serious bf from them and the other small secrets that ensued, but it really took on a whole new meaning in college. Its not simply a matter of keeping secrets and lying to them about small things, but I feel that it would be too late to go back and tell them about everything. And there are just some things that your parents could never know. Some things they dont need to know. Its not all bad.

I've learned to truly appreciate family. Its funny, being away from my family also made me really appreciate them more. I never fully saw all the hardships that my parents went through to support us when I lived with them. But when I came out of that bubble, I was able to see from their point of view, and feel a morsel of the suffering they go through on a daily basis just to hide it from us. I also feel for my little brothers, who are still stuck in that life and have years to go before they reach college where they themselves will be able to grow and see these things.

I've learned that I am a creature of change. I thirst for it. If I am too static in one place in life for too long, I will choke. I run out of air, and then lash out on my surroundings. I need to constantly be on the lookout for something different, whether it be a small change like a new hairdo, or a big change like leaving the country for a few months. This has proven to be problematic at times, and Im sure will continue to be problematic. (For instance,how will I ever have my own family if I constantly need change? But this is another matter for an entirely different post)

I'm sure I've probably learned more things but these are the main ones that stand out to me at the moment. I guess it took a little reflecting to answer that question. Plus, I still have two more years and a full semester abroad to learn more things! I'm glad Im not graduating early =)